my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
