I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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