Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
