Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize