If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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