Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
