You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
