I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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