"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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