I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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