he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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