So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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