She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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