Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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