Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
