My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
