But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
