I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
