Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
