A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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