Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
