The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
