I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
