Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
