This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You're breaking my sexual little heart
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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