Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
