Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
