Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
