I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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