I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
