We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
