i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's shark week go big or go home
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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