I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
we have officially lost it.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize