I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
