you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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