Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
