hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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