I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
