Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
