They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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