After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize