All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
