Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
