If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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