i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
