somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
