Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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