Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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