Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!

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