I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
