Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
