I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
