I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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