wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
