I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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