He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
