I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
