hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize