somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
