Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
