Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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