I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
