the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
